You tell yourself you won’t overthink it.
Your partner takes a little longer than usual to text back, and at first, it’s fine. But then, that familiar feeling creeps in—an uneasiness in your chest, a thousand scenarios running through your mind. Did I say something wrong? Are they pulling away? What if they’re upset with me?
Before you know it, you're re-reading old messages, looking for signs you missed, or crafting a casual (but secretly strategic) text to check in. If this sounds familiar, you’re likely dealing with anxious attachment—and it’s exhausting.
This is something the founder of The Prism Practice, Dr. Atara Wertentheil explores deeply in her new book, Empowerment and Healing in Anxious Attachment Recovery, because anxious attachment doesn’t just happen—it’s shaped by our early experiences and the way we learned to seek safety in relationships.
The good news? It doesn’t have to define your relationships forever.
At The Prism Practice, we help people untangle these patterns, build self-trust, and create the kind of relationships that feel secure and fulfilling.
What Does Anxious Attachment Look Like?
If you have an anxious attachment style, relationships might feel like a game where you’re always trying to “win” security. This can show up in ways like:
Reading between the lines (even when there’s nothing there) – A short text or a delayed reply feels like a sign of rejection.
Craving constant reassurance – You might frequently ask, “Are we okay?” or feel uneasy if your partner doesn’t verbally affirm their feelings often.
Overcompensating to keep someone close – Saying yes when you really mean no, apologizing too much, or suppressing your needs to avoid conflict.
Feeling on edge when there’s emotional distance – If your partner is stressed or distracted, it might feel like they’re slipping away, even when they’re not.
It’s not that you’re being “too much” or “needy.” It’s that your nervous system is wired to sense disconnection as a threat. But relationships don’t have to feel like this.
How to Break the Cycle
Anxious attachment thrives in uncertainty, but there are ways to rewire your responses so that relationships feel more stable, less like an emotional guessing game. Here’s where to start:
1. Slow Down Before Reacting
When something triggers your attachment anxiety, it’s tempting to act fast—send a follow-up text, over-explain, seek reassurance. But what if you pressed pause? Before reacting, check in with yourself first:
What am I feeling right now?
What story am I telling myself about this situation?
Is there evidence that my fear is true, or is this my anxiety talking?
Dr. Wertentheil includes journaling prompts like these in Empowerment and Healing in Anxious Attachment Recovery to help make this process easier, because sometimes, simply naming what’s happening inside can shift your perspective.
2. Get Comfortable Communicating Your Needs
People with anxious attachment often assume their needs are “too much.” So instead of saying, “I need to hear from you during the day to feel connected,” they’ll downplay it—or try to “earn” reassurance through people-pleasing.
But here’s the thing: Your needs aren’t the problem. The way you express them matters.
Instead of hinting, testing, or suppressing, try direct communication:
“I feel more connected when we check in throughout the day. Can we find a rhythm that works for both of us?”
“When you take space, I sometimes assume the worst. Can we talk about what you need during those times?”
This might feel terrifying at first, but clear communication prevents the misinterpretations that fuel anxious attachment spirals.
3. Learn to Soothe Your Own Anxiety
Anxious attachment can make it feel like your emotions are in someone else’s hands. If they respond quickly, you’re relieved. If they seem distant, you’re spiraling. That’s a tough way to live.
Instead of outsourcing your security, start building internal reassurance:
Ground yourself with deep breathing when anxiety kicks in.
Use self-talk: “I feel anxious right now, but that doesn’t mean something is wrong.”
Focus on things that make you feel steady outside the relationship—hobbies, friendships, movement, creativity.
Therapy can be a game-changer here. At The Prism Practice, we work with individuals and couples to unpack attachment patterns and build healthier ways of relating, so that connection feels like a source of safety—not stress.
You Can Shift Into a More Secure Attachment
Anxious attachment doesn’t go away overnight, but small shifts add up. Over time, you’ll notice:
You don’t immediately panic when someone takes time to respond.
You ask for what you need instead of hoping they’ll “just know.”
You trust your own sense of security, not just external validation.
If this is something you want to work on, Dr. Atara Wertentheil dives deep into how attachment styles shape our relationships, how to set boundaries without fear, and how to self-soothe in moments of anxiety in Empowerment and Healing in Anxious Attachment Recovery. It’s available now on Amazon! [Grab your copy here]
And if you’re ready to untangle these patterns with professional support, The Prism Practice offers relationship therapy designed to help you move toward more secure, fulfilling connections. Whether you're the one struggling with anxious attachment or you're in a relationship with someone who is, therapy gives you the tools and confidence to break the cycle.
Learn more about our relationship therapy services. We provide support to individuals wanting to focus more directly on themselves and to couples wanting to work together towards change. Contact us or book a free consultation if you're ready to get started!
Healthy, stable love is possible—even if anxious attachment has made it feel out of reach. The first step is recognizing the pattern. The next? Learning how to change it.